Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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