It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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