someone threw a dead crab at me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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