Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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