Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You dont lie about slip and slides
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
