What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
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