This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
