i need an iv and a liver transplant
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
