I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
