Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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