He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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