god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I am midnight drunk by noon
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
