I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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