I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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