Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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