im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
