I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
