Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I didn't notice because vodka
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
