Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
