you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
