i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
