My brain says no but my pants say off.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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