Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
