I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
