Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
