hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
