i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
