my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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