fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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