So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
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