here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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