My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
