Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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