i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize