So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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