All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
