I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
