that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
