Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
