This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
