My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
