I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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