we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
