What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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