Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
