i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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