Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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