It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
