Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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