Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize