I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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