My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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