just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
