If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
