Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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