dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
