Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
