girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
